Loneliness: 'I Can't Talk In A Big Group!'

The clouds hung low in the sky, casting a gray hue over the city. The room was cozy, with warm lighting and comfortable chairs. Antaru, a college girl who had just entered a new college after her 12th grade, sat nervously across from her therapist, Prisha.

"Tell me what brings you here today," Prisha said with a gentle smile. 

Antaru took a deep breath. "I've been feeling really lonely since I started at my new college. I tried to join different groups and make new friends, but I can't seem to fit in. I even joined one group but ended up leaving because I still felt out of place." 

Prisha nodded, listening intently. "It's common to feel this way when entering a new environment. Let's explore this together. How do you feel when you're with other students?" 

"I feel invisible," Antaru admitted. "Like no one really notices me or cares if I'm there." 

"And what do you do in those situations?" Prisha asked. 

"I try to join conversations, but I get nervous and don’t know what to say. I usually end up just listening and not really participating," Antaru explained. 

Prisha: It sounds like starting at a new college has been tough for you, Antaru. Let’s talk about a few things that might help. Have you ever tried using positive self-talk?

Antaru: I’ve heard of it, but I’m not sure how to do it. What exactly is positive self-talk?

Prisha: Positive self-talk is when you catch negative thoughts and replace them with something more encouraging. For example, if you’re thinking, “No one notices me,” you can instead tell yourself, “I have something valuable to offer.” It’s about changing how you talk to yourself in your mind. Does that make sense?

Antaru: I think so. But what if I don’t really believe what I’m saying?

Prisha: That’s a great question. At first, it might feel strange or even forced, but the more you practice, the more natural it will feel. Over time, your brain can start to believe these positive statements, and you’ll begin to feel more confident.

Antaru: I’ll try that. But I still get so nervous in social situations that I don’t know what to say.

Prisha: That’s really common, especially in new environments. That’s why it can be helpful to start small. Instead of trying to join big groups right away, focus on talking to just one or two people at a time. Does that feel less intimidating?

Antaru: Yeah, that sounds easier. But what should I talk about? I get stuck when I don’t know what to say.

Prisha: You could start with something simple, like asking about the class you’re in together or talking about something you both might be interested in. Even just commenting on something happening around you, can be a good conversation starter. The key is to keep it light and not put too much pressure on yourself. It’s okay if the conversation is short or doesn’t go perfectly.

Antaru: I think I can do that. There are a few people in my classes who seem nice, but I haven’t talked to them much.

Prisha: As a first step you could try starting a conversation with them next time. Over time, these small interactions can help you feel more comfortable and can lead to stronger connections.

Antaru: I’ll give that a try. But I’ve always been kind of shy. Even in high school, I worried about not fitting in. Is that why I’m feeling like this now?

Prisha: It’s very possible. Sometimes our past experiences shape how we feel in new situations. If you’ve been feeling shy or worried about fitting in for a long time, those feelings can carry over into new environments, like starting college. It’s important to understand where these feelings come from so we can work on them together.

Antaru: So, my past experiences might be affecting how I feel now?

Prisha: Exactly.

There can be many reasons why someone feels lonely, like current life challenges or changes in their environment. However, old habits and ways of thinking from past experiences often make loneliness worse by reinforcing certain brain pathways. These patterns can lead to self-doubt and make it harder to connect with others. By understanding and changing these old patterns, and reworking the brain pathways, a person can start to overcome loneliness and build better relationships.